Top tips for supporting a breastfeeding mother/partner to get sleep without you feeding the baby
Image credit: Vida Images. All rights reserved Little Sparklers Ltd, 2023
This one goes out to all partners/family/friends trying to work out how to support a breastfeeding parent and bond with a fully breastfed baby.
It is extremely common to see advice to give a bottle to allow dad/father/partner to bond and to ‘give mum a break’ as part of caring for her mental health. While this advice is well-intentioned and may work for some families as they navigate this season, it is important to know that there are other ways to support a breastfeeding parent and to bond with your baby. Especially when research shows that breastfeeding is protective for maternal mental health (Yuen et al., 2022), and considering that pumping milk to put in the bottle takes a lot of effort.
But if I’m not giving baby a bottle, what can I do?
To help get a practical view on this, we asked our peer support group of over 190,000 parents what they felt supported them to get the sleep and rest they needed while exclusively breastfeeding.
And with 210 responses, we have collated this list of 7 key strategies for you to consider for your unique circumstances. As always, this is not meant to be prescriptive, but it is meant to get you thinking and talking about what options are available:
Support her/them to keep baby close and breastfeed/chestfeed - through bedsharing or sidecar arrangements
Taking on the ‘late shift’ or the ‘early shift’ as often as you can
Doing other infant care activities
Provide and protect their ‘nap time’ as often as possible.
Take care of her/them - nourishment, emotional support, encouragement
Take on more of the household labour/life admin.
Support older toddlers and children.
What does this look like?
Support her to keep baby close and breastfeed/chestfeed - bedsharing or sidecar arrangements
This topped the list with 71% of respondents indicating that either directly sharing sleep via bedsharing or having a separate but adjoining sleep space (side car bassinet/cot/crib) was THE most helpful strategy for maximising the sleep of a breastfeeding mother/parent (McKenna & Gettler, 2016).
This was often accompanied by comments about feeding to sleep and side-lie nursing which made it possible to minimise the effort and exertion it took to get baby back to sleep when they woke and because they did not have to wake right up, or get up, it was easier for them to then fall back to sleep again.
For some, this was achieved by sleeping separately from their partners to maximise everybody’s comfort and safety. For others, space was able to be created in a shared environment.
Where bedsharing wasn’t compatible, side-car arrangements or a cot in the room was helpful to keep the baby nice and close and minimise fatigue. This is also in line with SUDI (including SIDS) guidelines highlighting the protective factors provided by roomsharing for the first 6-12 months of your baby’s life (Blair et al., 2014).
How can you provide the support your loved one needs to keep baby close?
2. Taking on the ‘late shift’ or the ‘early shift’ as often as you can
Coming in next was this one and how it looked varied for each family, but the gist of the idea was that dad/ partner/ family take on either a ‘late shift’ in the evening to give mum/ parent a solid block of sleep first up or the ‘early shift’ where they would take baby after their wake-up feed in the morning and keep them occupied to allow for some solid sleep.
With the late shift, typically, people said they fed babies until satisfied and then handed them over to whoever was on duty (awake/asleep), and that person would cuddle, babywear, entertain until the baby clearly needed their next feed and then hand them back for a feed.
SPECIAL NOTE: If you’re taking a late shift and are at risk of falling asleep with your baby, PLEASE have access to a prepared shared surface (firm, flat, clear mattress). Remember, falling asleep on couches/sofas with baby asleep on your chest elevates risk, so planning a place for safer sleep is a great way to ensure that you’re minimising risk.
Where’s your safer location?
For the ‘early shift,’ this varied if toddlers/ older kids were also in the family and how late the baby liked to sleep, but whoever was running support was on with anyone up early and did all the morning things or even took the kids out to give the breastfeeding parent a lie in. Many reported this as a weekend ritual that helped them get through a weary week, knowing this was coming.
3. Doing other infant care activities (beside feeding)
As one of our respondents said, ‘you can do every aspect of parenting except for feeding...’ and that leaves quite a lot when you look at it. How that looks often changes for different ages and stages and depends on your children’s temperaments, who is in your crew and your unique circumstances.
· Nappy/ diaper changes- day and night,
· bathing,
· bringing baby in for feeds and taking baby back to own space (same room),
· soothing through rocking, bouncing, humming, shushing, babywearing, dancing, singing
· reading,
· playing,
· chatting,
· exploring,
· contact cuddles,
· pram rides,
· car rides
… are all much-needed valuable infant care activities that do not involve feeding.
How can you step up with these non-feeding activities for your baby?
4. Provide and protect their ‘nap time’ as often as possible.
This came up so many times and you could read the relief in the comments.
Daytime opportunities to rest and nap are crucial to many breastfeeding mothers and parents. In a world where rest can be hard to come by, especially around work and older children, it is an extremely valuable role to work out how you can provide and protect rest and naps for your loved one as much as possible (even if that isn’t as often as you’d like).
Taking charge of all children (or older children if the baby is napping) and valuing that time of rest is hugely supportive and offers the respite and extra rest they may need to keep up with their breastfeeding journey.
5. Take care of her/ them- nourishment, emotional support, encouragement
One of the best things you can ever give your child (grandchild, niece, nephew) is supporting their mother/ parent in their recovery from pregnancy and their feeding journey. Nurturing and supporting them through words and actions is vital to their well-being. Validating the intense nurturing work she/they are doing, ensuring she/they are well hydrated (think: bottomless water bottle) and well-nourished all play into her/them being able to get the sleep and rest she/they need.
Learning about the mechanics of breastfeeding, safer shared sleeping, the value of co-regulation, realistic expectations for normal infant and toddler sleep will all help you to find common ground to grow your family.
It is as much your job as it is the breastfeeding mother/parent’s job to learn about life with your baby.
Show you care by actively seeking to learn alongside.
6. Take on more of the household labour/ life admin
Breastfeeding parents/mothers who felt supported to get the sleep they needed frequently reported that their support person/partner took on many / all the household jobs, particularly in the evening while they fed the baby.
· Cooking/ meal prep
· Providing snacks, cutting up meals to eat one-handed.
· Dishes
· Laundry
· Cleaning
· Groceries
· Errands
… are all household activities that need to be done that support a healthy, thriving family.
How can you take on this load?
7. Support older toddlers and children
Respondents with older children, including toddlers, found that having a partner/ supporter actively involved in the care, routines, and admin were all able to rest and sleep more.
Breakfast, lunches, snacks, dressing, toileting, activities, drop-offs, pick-ups, forms, appointments, play, nurture, and bedtimes are all non-feeding-related care activities that may be options for you to take up to share the parenting load with your partner/ loved one.
Conclusion
These were the 7 main strategies suggested but we want to add in an 8th that may or may not work in your circumstances, and that is calling in other support or considering paid support (if your budget can stretch), if YOU know you cannot provide the support your people need.
This is truly valuable, life-shaping work your breastfeeding partner/wife is doing, and to protect that is worthy of support.
Finally, if your baby is not breastfed, but your partner is still dealing with the majority of nighttime care, then all the above can be applied to your family, too.
Now, it is up to you and your family/support network to take some time to think, discuss and figure out what you’d like to try.
Your role is vital.
Nurture on.
REFERENCES:
Blair, P. S., Sidebotham, P., Pease, A., & Fleming, P. J. (2014). Bed-sharing in the absence of hazardous circumstances: Is there a risk of sudden infant death syndrome? An analysis from two case-control studies conducted in the UK. PLoS ONE, 9(9), e107799. https://doi.org/https://dx.doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0107799
McKenna, J. J., & Gettler, L. T. (2016). There is no such thing as infant sleep, there is no such thing as breastfeeding, there is only breastsleeping. Acta Paediatrica, 105(1), 17-21.
Yuen, M., Hall, O. J., Masters, G. A., Nephew, B. C., Carr, C., Leung, K., Griffen, A., McIntyre, L., Byatt, N., & Moore Simas, T. A. (2022). The Effects of Breastfeeding on Maternal Mental Health: A Systematic Review. Journal of Women's Health, 31(6), 787-807. https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2021.0504
